On Aug. 14, I was pretty proud of myself for working on another long post for my blog. I remember it was about dealing with death and how I felt about it. I was almost finished, maybe just a couple of more sentences and I was done. Then I got the phone call.
It was kind of strange at first. I got a call from my mom's phone, but instead of my mom, it was some lady asking for my little sister. Now my sister's phone was not working at the time so anyone trying to get in touch with her would have to call my mom's phone since she lived with my mom. I was confused. After hanging up, I decided that someone had my mom's phone who shouldn't have it and I needed to find out who this person was. I reached for my phone at the same time it rang again. This time the person identified herself as from the West Jordan Police Department and she was asking for me. Of course, I got nervous. Then the police officer proceeded to tell me that my older sister, her husband, and their two kids, who were flying out to see me and go to BYU's Education Week, had gotten in a plane crash. She then said those words I'll never forget- "None survived".
None survived. All of them, gone. All four of them. Gone. My sister. My brother-in-law. My nephew. My niece. Gone. None survived.
I couldn't think. I crumpled. I lost it. My sister. Dead. Time stood still. I couldn't move. I couldn't stay still. Through my tears, I went to my room and threw a few things in a small bag and got ready to rush to be with my mom. She lived 40 minutes away and she couldn't be alone. Not that night. I'm sure either my husband or I told my kids what happened, but I vaguely remember. I remember one of my children wasn't home and we had to send someone out to find her. Then we told her when she made it back. My husband drove me because I was a wreck.
I won't go into all the rest of the details. That isn't the purpose of this post. What I do want to say is that sometimes we face problems or trials that challenge our core beliefs. We have to make a conscious decision to believe what we "know" or to disregard our knowledge. Sometimes, it is automatic and we can move on in a direction that is consistent with our chosen values. Sometimes, the trial is too great for our "knowledge" and we fall apart as the fabric of our lives seem to rip at every seam. For me, this was by far the hardest trial I have ever faced and am still facing and with my state of mind for the past couple of years, this should have put me over the edge and back down into that seemingly bottomless pit of despair. But it didn't.
I was allowed to feel pain and extreme sorrow over the loss of my family, but I was also allowed to feel the joy of eternal families. I was allowed to know that my sister and her little family are still around. They are still "here", we just can't see them or associate with them for a time. The sadness we feel is ours alone, not theirs. They are happy and joyous doing the work of our Father in Heaven on the other side of the veil. They are also watching over us from time to time. Instead of bitterness and anger, I was blessed with peace.
I also learned that in the toughest of times, we learn who our true friends are. At one time, I thought that was a silly expression, but it is so true. Friends don't have to be people you hang out with or even share all our joys and trials with. They aren't necessarily the ones we share all our secrets with. True friends are those who will stand by you when you are down. They send you a message, one way or another, to let you know they are thinking of you, that they pray for you, that they love you. I was so touched by the amount of love and prayers sent my way. I didn't realize I had that many friends. It made me take a look at myself through the eyes of others instead of looking only through my own.
The last couple of years, I went through a hard trial where I felt so alone. And I was in a way. I learned that I could make the change I needed to make my life better, that I had to care about myself. The last couple of months, I went through a tougher trial and learned that when others are there to lift you up, you are never alone. What a difference in how I was able to deal with these challenges!
Remember to be a true friend, you don't have to do anything difficult. Little things make up the great things: "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great." Doctrine and Covenants 64:33.
So, I never did publish the post I nearly finished Aug. 14. I ended up not returning home for several days and it never got saved. Sad. But no big deal. I learned a whole lot more about death than I thought I knew!
