This past year has been filled with so much. I have experienced so many different emotions, a ton of growth, tragedy, joy.
The beginning of the year started with me getting back on my feet after horrible depression, trying to get to know myself again. The first six months were filled with ups and downs as I rode the roller coaster of life trying to find the balance of finding happiness from within and not allowing others to dictate how I felt.
Then, when I thought I had a handle on it all, the terrible tragedy of loosing my sister and her entire family and trying to deal with all the emotions that went along with that. Incredibly, I felt more at peace instead of being totally devastated. Yes, it was the most difficult thing I have ever experienced, and I could easily have let it all consume me, but I was blessed with peace and acceptance.
Then my daughter announced she was getting married even before I had the ability to fully mourn my loss. How stressful it could have been to be dealing with the tragedy, tying up loose ends with my sister's house and estate, their memorials, going to school, teaching school, my church callings, helping my family, and planning a wedding at the same time. But I was okay with everything.
I am just like everyone else. I have ups and downs. I get frustrated and down from time to time. But even as I continue in my process of trying to find happiness in this life, I come back to the same thing. As I analyze what is happening as I have good days or when I have bad days, I am reminded that its all in my own hands how I will react or act towards different situations. I can choose to be miserable and wallow in self-pity, or I can choose to learn from mistakes, or tragedies and move on with my life. If I am happy or sad, its my own choosing. My own attitude that makes the difference. If I dwell on the things that aren't fair or aren't fun and exciting, I can easily become down and depressed again. But if I choose to look at what is good in situations and make the best of what I have, if I am grateful that I am allowed to grow and experience the things that are happening, I can choose to be happy.
Its not easy! Its really hard sometimes to accept and look for the good, but it isn't impossible. I think about the song by Ingrid Michaelson titled Soldier. I know it is about losing love and trust then learning to love and trust again, but it reminds me of more than that. It reminds me that its sometimes hard to change ourselves and improve our selves even if we know it will be good for us. Sometimes I feel that I'm like the line in the song that says "the battle with the heart isn't easily won." My battle is to find happiness. Its okay to allow myself to choose happiness. I have gone so long choosing to be miserable that its like a habit. It takes a long time to break a habit.
So, I continue to fight this war of mine. To fight those feelings of wanting to curl up into myself and wallow in misery and wish for life to be over. The battle for my heart isn't over yet, but I've had some pretty good successes this year. Here's to another year- possibly full of disappointment, tragedy, maybe even death, but also for sure full of joy, happiness, love, and acceptance of who I am and who I want to become!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Happiness is.....
What makes people happy? For some, it is family, friends, good people in their lives. For others it is money, objects, material things. For even others, its knowledge, religion, meditation. Each of these things serve a purpose and are not the "right" answer nor are they the "wrong" answer. Every person has their own belief system and their own ideal of happiness. No one can say what is correct for someone else based on their own beliefs.
I choose to be happy because of my family and friends. I still desire knowledge and religion. I still require money and material things. But if I had to choose any one thing that helps me be happiest, it would be the good associations I have with others. I still need to supply my body with food, clothes, medical care, and the like, but those aren't what make me happy. Sometimes people I love try to give me things thinking I will be happy about it, but really, I would rather spend time with those I love instead of having something.
I hate the "What If" game that so many people play. You know the "What if there was a huge earthquake and the whole Wasatch Front collapsed?" or "What if you were walking down the street and an armored car crashed and tons of money started blowing out of it?" or "What if you were stranded on a deserted island?" You know.....that game? I used to play that game a lot when I was a kid and it went something like this "What if we hijacked a Hostess truck and had all the Twinkies and Ding Dongs we wanted?" Sometimes it went like this "What if I grew up and married a prince?" Sometimes it even when like this "What if a distant relative that I didn't even know I had died and left me with lots of money?" Yeah, it was fun at the time, but I have learned to really loathe that game.
You see, something similar to that last scenario actually happened only it wasn't a "distant" relative that passed away. If I knew then, what I know now, I never would have played that game! It is awful when it actually happens.
Whenever I used to hear about people or even whole families that died, I never gave it more thought than to feel bad for that person or family and the family that was left behind. My thoughts never went beyond that. However, when those people died, they left stuff behind. When my sister and her family died, that wasn't the end of the story. They didn't take everything with them. In fact, they left it all behind! Their home, their furniture, their clothes, their pets, you name it, they left it. And guess what, it didn't magically disappear or take care of itself. We, their family that they left behind, had to take care of it.
I took my mom to their house to help my brother-in-law's family clean things up and take things from the house that shouldn't be thrown away, like pictures, genealogy, records, business stuff, etc. It was hard to sort through everything and try to decide what was wanted and what should be given away and what should be thrown away. Sometimes, it was hard to even function. Sorting through closets, and drawers. Going through boxes and cupboards. My sister was smaller than me, but there were a few of her shoes and clothes that fit me and I decided to take them home to help me have her close. Now, whenever I wear them, I think of her.
I have pictures and artwork and journals that I have taken upon myself to make sure copies are made and given to other members of the families. (I just hope they are patient with me and understand that life is so busy that I can't get to it all right now.) These things are worth more to me than any money in the world. They are a priceless treasure!
A few days ago, I was having a really hard time. Some money from my sister's estate was being released to the family. I don't know that I can adequately explain my feelings, but I was mad at that money. I knew that it would help cover the expenses that we put out to take care of my sisters family and their things after their passing, but at such a horrible cost. Was that money worth it? Was that money worth the pain and anguish it cost to have it? Absolutely NOT! I would much rather have my sister and her family back than have all the money in the world! I didn't want that money, but at the same time, I knew my sister would want me to have it to help with expenses we had accumulated. In waiting for that money to come, it was like waiting for my sister to die again and I felt awful! I couldn't feel happy knowing that money was coming and knowing what it cost for it to come. That whole day, I was an emotional wreck. I don't like to cry in front of anyone, so whenever I was alone, I was bawling.
As I thought about it, and cried about it, I started to feel peace. The Savior promised He would not leave us comfortless. He provided the Holy Ghost to give comfort and speak peace to our hearts. I was helped to realize that it was okay. I knew that my sister and her family would have wanted the rest of us to use their things to help us in this life. They didn't take it because they didn't need it anymore and they didn't want it anymore. It would in no way help their happiness where they are at. They would want their family to be able to relieve their stress and worries in this life if even for a short time. They love us and know that our happiness is tied to them still. They were always giving in this life and are still giving in death.
I am at peace tonight. I haven't cried all my tears, I'm sure. But for now, I'm doing alright. I miss my sister, my brother-in-law, my niece, and my nephew, but I feel close to them tonight. I am happy because I know my associations with them have not ended. I know that they mean more to me than being relatives that died and left me something. Yeah, it stinks that they are not physically here with us, but I am happy because I know it isn't the end. I know that as I continue to grasp happiness and treasure it, I have at least grasped, and held tight, to my sister's love.
I choose to be happy because of my family and friends. I still desire knowledge and religion. I still require money and material things. But if I had to choose any one thing that helps me be happiest, it would be the good associations I have with others. I still need to supply my body with food, clothes, medical care, and the like, but those aren't what make me happy. Sometimes people I love try to give me things thinking I will be happy about it, but really, I would rather spend time with those I love instead of having something.
I hate the "What If" game that so many people play. You know the "What if there was a huge earthquake and the whole Wasatch Front collapsed?" or "What if you were walking down the street and an armored car crashed and tons of money started blowing out of it?" or "What if you were stranded on a deserted island?" You know.....that game? I used to play that game a lot when I was a kid and it went something like this "What if we hijacked a Hostess truck and had all the Twinkies and Ding Dongs we wanted?" Sometimes it went like this "What if I grew up and married a prince?" Sometimes it even when like this "What if a distant relative that I didn't even know I had died and left me with lots of money?" Yeah, it was fun at the time, but I have learned to really loathe that game.
You see, something similar to that last scenario actually happened only it wasn't a "distant" relative that passed away. If I knew then, what I know now, I never would have played that game! It is awful when it actually happens.
Whenever I used to hear about people or even whole families that died, I never gave it more thought than to feel bad for that person or family and the family that was left behind. My thoughts never went beyond that. However, when those people died, they left stuff behind. When my sister and her family died, that wasn't the end of the story. They didn't take everything with them. In fact, they left it all behind! Their home, their furniture, their clothes, their pets, you name it, they left it. And guess what, it didn't magically disappear or take care of itself. We, their family that they left behind, had to take care of it.
I took my mom to their house to help my brother-in-law's family clean things up and take things from the house that shouldn't be thrown away, like pictures, genealogy, records, business stuff, etc. It was hard to sort through everything and try to decide what was wanted and what should be given away and what should be thrown away. Sometimes, it was hard to even function. Sorting through closets, and drawers. Going through boxes and cupboards. My sister was smaller than me, but there were a few of her shoes and clothes that fit me and I decided to take them home to help me have her close. Now, whenever I wear them, I think of her.
I have pictures and artwork and journals that I have taken upon myself to make sure copies are made and given to other members of the families. (I just hope they are patient with me and understand that life is so busy that I can't get to it all right now.) These things are worth more to me than any money in the world. They are a priceless treasure!
A few days ago, I was having a really hard time. Some money from my sister's estate was being released to the family. I don't know that I can adequately explain my feelings, but I was mad at that money. I knew that it would help cover the expenses that we put out to take care of my sisters family and their things after their passing, but at such a horrible cost. Was that money worth it? Was that money worth the pain and anguish it cost to have it? Absolutely NOT! I would much rather have my sister and her family back than have all the money in the world! I didn't want that money, but at the same time, I knew my sister would want me to have it to help with expenses we had accumulated. In waiting for that money to come, it was like waiting for my sister to die again and I felt awful! I couldn't feel happy knowing that money was coming and knowing what it cost for it to come. That whole day, I was an emotional wreck. I don't like to cry in front of anyone, so whenever I was alone, I was bawling.
As I thought about it, and cried about it, I started to feel peace. The Savior promised He would not leave us comfortless. He provided the Holy Ghost to give comfort and speak peace to our hearts. I was helped to realize that it was okay. I knew that my sister and her family would have wanted the rest of us to use their things to help us in this life. They didn't take it because they didn't need it anymore and they didn't want it anymore. It would in no way help their happiness where they are at. They would want their family to be able to relieve their stress and worries in this life if even for a short time. They love us and know that our happiness is tied to them still. They were always giving in this life and are still giving in death.
I am at peace tonight. I haven't cried all my tears, I'm sure. But for now, I'm doing alright. I miss my sister, my brother-in-law, my niece, and my nephew, but I feel close to them tonight. I am happy because I know my associations with them have not ended. I know that they mean more to me than being relatives that died and left me something. Yeah, it stinks that they are not physically here with us, but I am happy because I know it isn't the end. I know that as I continue to grasp happiness and treasure it, I have at least grasped, and held tight, to my sister's love.
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