From Within

This past year has been filled with so much.  I have experienced so many different emotions, a ton of growth, tragedy, joy. 

The beginning of the year started with me getting back on my feet after horrible depression, trying to get to know myself again. The first six months were filled with ups and downs as I rode the roller coaster of life trying to find the balance of finding happiness from within and not allowing others to dictate how I felt. 

Then, when I thought I had a handle on it all, the terrible tragedy of loosing my sister and her entire family and trying to deal with all the emotions that went along with that.  Incredibly, I felt more at peace instead of being totally devastated.  Yes, it was the most difficult thing I have ever experienced, and I could easily have let it all consume me, but I was blessed with peace and acceptance. 

Then my daughter announced she was getting married even before I had the ability to fully mourn my loss.  How stressful it could have been to be dealing with the tragedy, tying up loose ends with my sister's house and estate, their memorials, going to school, teaching school, my church callings, helping my family, and planning a wedding at the same time.  But I was okay with everything.

I am just like everyone else.  I have ups and downs.  I get frustrated and down from time to time.  But even as I continue in my process of trying to find happiness in this life, I come back to the same thing.  As I analyze what is happening as I have good days or when I have bad days, I am reminded that its all in my own hands how I will react or act towards different situations.  I can choose to be miserable and wallow in self-pity, or I can choose to learn from mistakes, or tragedies and move on with my life.  If I am happy or sad, its my own choosing.  My own attitude that makes the difference.  If I dwell on the things that aren't fair or aren't fun and exciting, I can easily become down and depressed again.  But if I choose to look at what is good in situations and make the best of what I have, if I am grateful that I am allowed to grow and experience the things that are happening, I can choose to be happy.

Its not easy!  Its really hard sometimes to accept and look for the good, but it isn't impossible.  I think about the song by Ingrid Michaelson titled Soldier.  I know it is about losing love and trust then learning to love and trust again, but it reminds me of more than that.  It reminds me that its sometimes hard to change ourselves and improve our selves even if we know it will be good for us.  Sometimes I feel that I'm like the line in the song that says "the battle with the heart isn't easily won."  My battle is to find happiness.  Its okay to allow myself to choose happiness.  I have gone so long choosing to be miserable that its like a habit.  It takes a long time to break a habit. 

So, I continue to fight this war of mine.  To fight those feelings of wanting to curl up into myself and wallow in misery and wish for life to be over.  The battle for my heart isn't over yet, but I've had some pretty good successes this year.  Here's to another year- possibly full of disappointment, tragedy, maybe even death, but also for sure full of joy, happiness, love, and acceptance of who I am and who I want to become!