Living Through the Spiritually LeanTimes

(A class I gave for our first Relief Society activity this year)

We are all converts to the Gospel meaning that at least once in our lves, we need to come to a knowledge of the turthfulness of God, Jesus, and the Gospel.  For some people, that knowledge is questioned more than once.  Sometimes our belief or faith isn't very strong to begin with and we question again.  For others maybe their testimony is " more a hope that what you have learned is true" (Richard G. Scott, Oct. 2001 General Conference).  For some it is a "vague belief that worthwhile concepts and patterns of life seem to be reasonable and logical" (Scott).  Elder Richard G. Scott tell us "such mental assent will not help when you face the serious changes that will inevitably come to you."  (Oct. 2001 General Conference).

In many instances, we don't begin by questioning our testimony but we start to question our self-worth instead, then we begin to doubt our beliefs, asking ourselves- "Does God really hear ME?"  "Does He really care about ME?"  "With all the billions of popel on the earth, why shoud (would or could) He know about ME?"  We begin to believe oursleves as we repeat those awful mantras- "I don't matter" or "I am nothing" or "I don't count" or my favorite "It doesn't matter" referring to ourselves as "it". 

Our minds are gullible when it comes to ourselves.  What you tell it, you will believe.  If you say it often enough, it becomes true in your mind.  Father in Heaven knows this!  He inspired people to help us as women combat this.  How many of you remember going to Young Women and repeating the theme every week..."We are daughters of our Heavenly Father who loves us and we love Him...."?  We needed to hear it.  We needed to hear ourselves saying it.  By saying it over and over, we began to believe this truth that others already knew until, eventually, it became truth in our own minds.

As I thought about what to say about helping to build up our faith and testimony when we are in the Spiritually lean times, I felt impressed to start at the basics.  The first Article of Faith is the foundation of our testimony, stating "We believe in God the Eternal Father and in His son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost."  In our busy, chaotic world, it is easy to lose sight of God.  To take for granted all that He actually does for us.  Think about and make a list of blessings in your life- everything- from family and friends to indoor plumbing or even the car that keeps breaking down, but at least you have a car!  A few years ago, I kept a gratitude journal.  I know that many of you have, too.  How did it make you feel?  How does it make you feel as you go back over your gratitude journal when you are having a bad day and remember all the things you wrote in there?  I love rereading mine!  If you haven't started one, or have slacked off, do it.  It helps to remind yourself of the blessings Father gives to you and know that He does know you.  He knows your needs and wants.  He is mindful of you and has provided people, things, and situations to help you on your journey. 

Ponder on the order of the earth and its systems.  I have taken and sat in many science classes in the past few years and have heard over and over how the universe supposedly started from a bang and then over millions of years, particles became living and then organized themselves and evolved to become the intricate creatures they are now.  No matter how many times I hear the scientific explanation of how the earth came to be in this moment of time, I always come to the conclusion that it had to have been through the power of God that all these processes came to be. 

As you think on all these things- your blesssings, the earth-  pray about them.  Thank Father for them.  Develop a grateful attitude.  As you do these things, you will feel the love of Father in Heaven for you.  These things weren't provided for everyone but you.  Everything was provided for ALL His children to enjoy, even you! 

Let's go to the fourth Article of Faith.  The first part I want to point out is "We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are first faith in the Lord Jesus Christ".  How do we strengthen our faith in Jesus Christ?  For everyone this could be personal- study scriptures, listen to testimonies of others, prayer, serving others, etc.  Not only do we have to think about having faith, but we also need to act on that faith.  Bishop Campbell stated "Faith is nothing more than belief turned into action." (Combined RS/Priesthood lesson, Jan. 29, 2012).  Our faith in Him will grow as we put our thoughts and beleifs into action.

The second part of that article is "repentance".  Sometimes we doubt because we know we aren't making right choices.  We know we are doing something wrong or we have done something wrong and don't want to face it.  If it is something that needs to be brought before the Bishop, do it.  The feeling of knowing you are on the right path to repentance is so liberating!  You feel like an unbearable burden is lifted off you and you are no longer dragging.  Even little things that can be resolved between you and Father in Heaven can weigh you down.  Don't procrastinate any more.  Just do it. 

The third part of the article is "baptism by immersion for the remission of sins".  Most, if not all, of us in this room are already baptized so how can we make this apply to us?  Attend sacrament meeting and partake of the sacrament; renew your covenants that you made at baptism.  Think about them and honor them.  You can also attend the temple.  Most times, when we attend the temple, we do the endownments, but you can do the baptisms, too.  That isn't solely for the youth.  Participate in the other ordinances as well to help you remember the wonderful promises given in each of them.  If you don't have a recommend, work towards getting one, then use it.

The last part of this article is "laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost".  If you have already been baptized, then you have also already recieved the gift of the Holy Ghost, so how can this part help strengthen our testimony?  We can listen and follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost.  Follow them as soon as you can.  Don't wait around or try and second guess yourself.  Just do it.  When you follow the promptings you receive, you become more in tune and will receive more promptings in more areas of your life.  I have tried in the past few months to do better in following promptings and I have found that when I second guess as to whether or not I really received a prompting, something will happen that makes me realize why I was prompted to do something in the first place.  Sometimes, it wasn't very pleasant and I resolve to try harder to follow through with the promptings right away.

Another way this last part of the article can help is by the laying on of hands part.  Sisters, it is okay to seek a blessing from a worthy priesthood holder for help, comfort, and guidance.  Through a blessing you will hear the words of your Father in Heaven speaking to you through the priesthood holder telling you what He wants you to know.  Father in Heaven loves you.  He wants you to be happy.  He wants you to progress and grow.  He is there for you.  You need to seek Him because He is already there. 

I pray that you will find the peace you seek as you live through the spiritually lean times.  I pray that you will remember your worth and you will remember Father loves you.  In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

From Within

This past year has been filled with so much.  I have experienced so many different emotions, a ton of growth, tragedy, joy. 

The beginning of the year started with me getting back on my feet after horrible depression, trying to get to know myself again. The first six months were filled with ups and downs as I rode the roller coaster of life trying to find the balance of finding happiness from within and not allowing others to dictate how I felt. 

Then, when I thought I had a handle on it all, the terrible tragedy of loosing my sister and her entire family and trying to deal with all the emotions that went along with that.  Incredibly, I felt more at peace instead of being totally devastated.  Yes, it was the most difficult thing I have ever experienced, and I could easily have let it all consume me, but I was blessed with peace and acceptance. 

Then my daughter announced she was getting married even before I had the ability to fully mourn my loss.  How stressful it could have been to be dealing with the tragedy, tying up loose ends with my sister's house and estate, their memorials, going to school, teaching school, my church callings, helping my family, and planning a wedding at the same time.  But I was okay with everything.

I am just like everyone else.  I have ups and downs.  I get frustrated and down from time to time.  But even as I continue in my process of trying to find happiness in this life, I come back to the same thing.  As I analyze what is happening as I have good days or when I have bad days, I am reminded that its all in my own hands how I will react or act towards different situations.  I can choose to be miserable and wallow in self-pity, or I can choose to learn from mistakes, or tragedies and move on with my life.  If I am happy or sad, its my own choosing.  My own attitude that makes the difference.  If I dwell on the things that aren't fair or aren't fun and exciting, I can easily become down and depressed again.  But if I choose to look at what is good in situations and make the best of what I have, if I am grateful that I am allowed to grow and experience the things that are happening, I can choose to be happy.

Its not easy!  Its really hard sometimes to accept and look for the good, but it isn't impossible.  I think about the song by Ingrid Michaelson titled Soldier.  I know it is about losing love and trust then learning to love and trust again, but it reminds me of more than that.  It reminds me that its sometimes hard to change ourselves and improve our selves even if we know it will be good for us.  Sometimes I feel that I'm like the line in the song that says "the battle with the heart isn't easily won."  My battle is to find happiness.  Its okay to allow myself to choose happiness.  I have gone so long choosing to be miserable that its like a habit.  It takes a long time to break a habit. 

So, I continue to fight this war of mine.  To fight those feelings of wanting to curl up into myself and wallow in misery and wish for life to be over.  The battle for my heart isn't over yet, but I've had some pretty good successes this year.  Here's to another year- possibly full of disappointment, tragedy, maybe even death, but also for sure full of joy, happiness, love, and acceptance of who I am and who I want to become!

Happiness is.....

What makes people happy?  For some, it is family, friends, good people in their lives.  For others it is money, objects, material things.  For even others, its knowledge, religion, meditation.  Each of these things serve a purpose and are not the "right" answer nor are they the "wrong" answer.  Every person has their own belief system and their own ideal of happiness.  No one can say what is correct for someone else based on their own beliefs.

I choose to be happy because of my family and friends.  I still desire knowledge and religion.  I still require money and material things.  But if I had to choose any one thing that helps me be happiest, it would be the good associations I have with others.  I still need to supply my body with food, clothes, medical care, and the like, but those aren't what make me happy.  Sometimes people I love try to give me things thinking I will be happy about it, but really, I would rather spend time with those I love instead of having something.

I hate the "What If" game that so many people play.  You know the "What if there was a huge earthquake and the whole Wasatch Front collapsed?"  or "What if you were walking down the street and an armored car crashed and tons of money started blowing out of it?" or  "What if you were stranded on a deserted island?"  You know.....that game?  I used to play that game a lot when I was a kid and it went something like this "What if we hijacked a Hostess truck and had all the Twinkies and Ding Dongs we wanted?"  Sometimes it went like this "What if I grew up and married a prince?"  Sometimes it even when like this "What if a distant relative that I didn't even know I had died and left me with lots of money?"  Yeah, it was fun at the time, but I have learned to really loathe that game.

You see, something similar to that last scenario actually happened only it wasn't a "distant" relative that passed away.  If I knew then, what I know now, I never would have played that game!  It is awful when it actually happens.

Whenever I used to hear about people or even whole families that died, I never gave it more thought than to feel bad for that person or family and the family that was left behind.  My thoughts never went beyond that.  However, when those people died, they left stuff behind.  When my sister and her family died, that wasn't the end of the story.  They didn't take everything with them.  In fact, they left it all behind!  Their home, their furniture, their clothes, their pets, you name it, they left it.  And guess what, it didn't magically disappear or take care of itself.  We, their family that they left behind, had to take care of it. 

I took my mom to their house to help my brother-in-law's family clean things up and take things from the house that shouldn't be thrown away, like pictures, genealogy, records, business stuff, etc.  It was hard to sort through everything and try to decide what was wanted and what should be given away and what should be thrown away.  Sometimes, it was hard to even function.  Sorting through closets, and drawers.  Going through boxes and cupboards.  My sister was smaller than me, but there were a few of her shoes and clothes that fit me and I decided to take them home to help me have her close.  Now, whenever I wear them, I think of her.
 
I have pictures and artwork and journals that I have taken upon myself to make sure copies are made and given to other members of the families.  (I just hope they are patient with me and understand that life is so busy that I can't get to it all right now.)  These things are worth more to me than any money in the world.  They are a priceless treasure!

A few days ago, I was having a really hard time.  Some money from my sister's estate was being released to the family.  I don't know that I can adequately explain my feelings, but I was mad at that money.  I knew that it would help cover the expenses that we put out to take care of my sisters family and their things after their passing, but at such a horrible cost.  Was that money worth it?  Was that money worth the pain and anguish it cost to have it?  Absolutely NOT!  I would much rather have my sister and her family back than have all the money in the world!  I didn't want that money, but at the same time, I knew my sister would want me to have it to help with expenses we had accumulated.  In waiting for that money to come, it was like waiting for my sister to die again and I felt awful!  I couldn't feel happy knowing that money was coming and knowing what it cost for it to come.  That whole day, I was an emotional wreck.  I don't like to cry in front of anyone, so whenever I was alone, I was bawling.

As I thought about it, and cried about it, I started to feel peace.  The Savior promised He would not leave us comfortless.  He provided the Holy Ghost to give comfort and speak peace to our hearts.  I was helped to realize that it was okay.  I knew that my sister and her family would have wanted the rest of us to use their things to help us in this life.  They didn't take it because they didn't need it anymore and they didn't want it anymore.  It would in no way help their happiness where they are at. They would want their family to be able to relieve their stress and worries in this life if even for a short time.  They love us and know that our happiness is tied to them still.  They were always giving in this life and are still giving in death.

I am at peace tonight.  I haven't cried all my tears, I'm sure.  But for now, I'm doing alright.  I miss my sister, my brother-in-law, my niece, and my nephew, but I feel close to them tonight.  I am happy because I know my associations with them have not ended.  I know that they mean more to me than being relatives that died and left me something.  Yeah, it stinks that they are not physically here with us, but I am happy because I know it isn't the end.  I know that as I continue to grasp happiness and treasure it, I have at least grasped, and held tight, to my sister's love.

"None survived"

On Aug. 14, I was pretty proud of myself for working on another long post for my blog.  I remember it was about dealing with death and how I felt about it.  I was almost finished, maybe just a couple of more sentences and I was done.  Then I got the phone call.

It was kind of strange at first.  I got a call from my mom's phone, but instead of my mom, it was some lady asking for my little sister.  Now my sister's phone was not working at the time so anyone trying to get in touch with her would have to call my mom's phone since she lived with my mom.  I was confused.  After hanging up, I decided that someone had my mom's phone who shouldn't have it and I needed to find out who this person was.  I reached for my phone at the same time it rang again.  This time the person identified herself as from the West Jordan Police Department and she was asking for me.  Of course, I got nervous.  Then the police officer proceeded to tell me that my older sister, her husband, and their two kids, who were flying out to see me and go to BYU's Education Week, had gotten in a plane crash.  She then said those words I'll never forget- "None survived".

None survived.  All of them, gone.  All four of them.  Gone.  My sister.  My brother-in-law.  My nephew.  My niece.  Gone.  None survived. 

I couldn't think.  I crumpled.  I lost it.  My sister.  Dead.  Time stood still.  I couldn't move.  I couldn't stay still.  Through my tears, I went to my room and threw a few things in a small bag and got ready to rush to be with my mom.  She lived 40 minutes away and she couldn't be alone.  Not that night.  I'm sure either my husband or I told my kids what happened, but I vaguely remember.  I remember one of my children wasn't home and we had to send someone out to find her.  Then we told her when she made it back.  My husband drove me because I was a wreck. 

I won't go into all the rest of the details.  That isn't the purpose of this post.  What I do want to say is that sometimes we face problems or trials that challenge our core beliefs.  We have to make a conscious decision to believe what we "know" or to disregard our knowledge.  Sometimes, it is automatic and we can move on in a direction that is consistent with our chosen values.  Sometimes, the trial is too great for our "knowledge" and we fall apart as the fabric of our lives seem to rip at every seam.  For me, this was by far the hardest trial I have ever faced and am still facing and with my state of mind for the past couple of years, this should have put me over the edge and back down into that seemingly bottomless pit of despair.  But it didn't.

I was allowed to feel pain and extreme sorrow over the loss of my family, but I was also allowed to feel the joy of eternal families.  I was allowed to know that my sister and her little family are still around.  They are still "here", we just can't see them or associate with them for a time.  The sadness we feel is ours alone, not theirs.  They are happy and joyous doing the work of our Father in Heaven on the other side of the veil.  They are also watching over us from time to time.  Instead of bitterness and anger, I was blessed with peace. 

I also learned that in the toughest of times, we learn who our true friends are.  At one time, I thought that was a silly expression, but it is so true.  Friends don't have to be people you hang out with or even share all our joys and trials with.  They aren't necessarily the ones we share all our secrets with.   True friends are those who will stand by you when you are down.  They send you a message, one way or another, to let you know they are thinking of you, that they pray for you, that they love you.  I was so touched by the amount of love and prayers sent my way.  I didn't realize I had that many friends.  It made me take a look at myself through the eyes of others instead of looking only through my own.

The last couple of years, I went through a hard trial where I felt so alone.  And I was in a way.  I learned that I could make the change I needed to make my life better, that I had to care about myself.  The last couple of months, I went through a tougher trial and learned that when others are there to lift you up, you are never alone.  What a difference in how I was able to deal with these challenges! 


Remember to be a true friend, you don't have to do anything difficult.  Little things make up the great things: "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work.  And out of small things proceedeth that which is great."  Doctrine and Covenants 64:33.




So, I never did publish the post I nearly finished Aug. 14.  I ended up not returning home for several days and it never got saved.  Sad.  But no big deal.  I learned a whole lot more about death than I thought I knew! 

Building Walls

Wow, time goes by so fast when you are occupied with schoolwork, housework, gardening, parenting, and preparing for guests!  My goal is to post at least once a week this summer.  Let's see how well I do.

I was trying to decide what I should write about today.  I've had so many ideas cross my mind all week, but none of them seemed to be the right thing for today.  I finally settled on another thing that many people with depression do to alienate themselves intentionally or not.

In ancient times, and not so ancient times, one of the first lines of defense for cities and communities under attack was to build a wall surrounding the city.  They made the walls tall and thick to prevent any enemy from entering.  Sometimes more defenses went on top of the walls or pits were dug surrounding the walls and were often filled with water.  If built properly and maintained these walls did their job and no one could come into the city with the intent to harm or destroy. 

The same is true for someone in a battle with depression.  They get hurt form something said or done and they start to build a wall around themselves.  With each perceived hurt, even if it was an inaccurate perception, the wall gets higher and stronger.  For some people, the wall stays strong and up for a long time and it is near impossible to break it down.  For others, the wall is more like a curtain that can be easily drawn back if only someone will take the time to do it.  Just as the wall is built by careless actions or words by others, it is also broken down by caring and love from others.

Unfortunately, sometimes the curtains that are drawn around someone in self-defense, over time, can end up becoming walls.  This is what happened to me.  I had been taught all my life to forgive others when they do things that hurt me and I did.  Over and over again.  However, I drew my curtain around myself a little more each time I felt rejected or each time someone would say something that hurt.  I also drew my curtain tighter around myself when I felt inferior in any way, which I did often (another problem of depression- not feeling worthy or as smart or as good as other people; you are constantly comparing the worst in yourself to the best in others).  After several years of this, my self-worth was so battered that I needed to replace my curtain with a more solid wall.  And I did.

For several months, I withdrew from those people whom I felt didn't really care about me and it nearly destroyed me because these people were the same ones I had called my friends.  I trusted these people and they were letting me down.  I didn't realized, though, that at the same time I perceived them pulling away, they were seeing me withdrawing. 

This is where good friends could really make a difference in the lives of people fighting the battle.  They can see when something isn't right with their friend.  Observant friends can tell when someone they love is not following his/her patterns of behavior and is pulling away from things s/he used to enjoy like participating in sports, hanging out with the "guys", or attending "girls' night", exercising, or even taking care of themselves.  Like I said in a previous post, friends can really make a difference for someone fighting depression and can do or say something that can prevent another brick being put on the wall.  The worst thing a friend can do is ignore that anything is wrong and go about their own activities thinking that the friend in need is going to "snap out of it".  

At the time I was experiencing this, I felt that my "friends" were not only ignoring my plight, but were also relieved that I wasn't dragging them down as well.  They stopped doing things with me and stopped inviting me to their activities.  I even felt that they were taking stabs at me behind my back and to my face.  Maybe they thought I wasn't interested in what they were doing.  Maybe they thought I was snubbing them.  But the truth was that my self-worth was so destroyed in my battle that I couldn't face these people.  I felt so unworthy to be around them.  This affected my relationships with my children and my husband as well.  It wasn't long before several of my family was also fighting my battle.  You've heard the expression "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"?  Well, it was happening in my home. 

One day, I tried to look at myself from the outside.  Here I had a seemingly perfect life, a husband and children who love me, a job that I loved, traveling to places that many people I knew didn't go, a home in a great neighborhood, and good health, yet I was unhappy and unsure of myself.  I felt like I was beginning to self-destruct.  I wanted to disappear and not come back.  I took a good look at my family and felt they would be better off without me.  My "friends" obviously were.  It would be so easy to get into my car and just drive away, or worse.... 

Then, I thought about my children.  If I disappeared, how would they remember me?  They wouldn't remember the fun times we had when they were little.  I realized they would remember the hurt and pain I caused them by leaving them.  They would remember in bitterness that their mom abandoned them.  I thought about my husband and his struggles.  What would I do to him if I left him with an even greater burden of caring for the kids by himself?  Would he ever forgive me?  I didn't want him to have to make that choice because I was afraid he would choose to hate me instead.  I decided that I might have let other people down with my words or actions, but I wasn't going to let my family down.  I might not be able to repair whatever damage my existence did to other people around me, but I didn't want to have to try and repair what damage I would have done in leaving my family. 

My family became my anchor just like they were meant to be.  That's when I decided that I had to change and break down the walls or at least allow my family access to the front gate.  I had to change my thinking.  I had to do something to finish this battle or at least get the upper hand.  I started that day. 

Bridge Over Troubled Water

Yesterday, after my evening class, I spent some time with someone who is probably the biggest boost to my self-esteem than anyone I know.  She always seems happy to see me and wants to know what's been happening in my life.  She also thinks that the things I do are amazing.  She does all this without being condescending nor does she have pretended interest in me.  I have never been around anyone else who, without trying, helps me see myself in a whole new perspective.  And, I'm pretty sure she has no clue she does this!!  She has been like this for about as long as I've known her (over 20 years) so I know she is genuine- the real thing.  There are very few people in the world who have the abilities she does to help others feel their self-worth.

We took our kids on a hike that was not the easiest to do.  We were both out of shape and had agreed to take it slow.  Our kids zipped ahead of us with no problem, leaving us to make our own pace match our goal of doing this with as little pain as possible.  I did have an advantage over my friend in that I have been somewhat active for the last few months and she had not.  She was worried she wouldn't make it to our destination.  I reminded her that making it to the top was not our agreed upon goal, but rather going as far as we felt we could was the desired outcome.   She continued to worry that she was holding me back and was grateful that I stayed by her side.  When we got as far as she felt she could go, she prepared for me to leave her and finish the hike.  I told her I wasn't going to leave her alone and that I was content to stay with her.  She was grateful and we continued our conversations until the kids came back our way and we headed home. 

So, what's the point of telling you that story?  Simply this: Having genuine friends and being a genuine friend can be a huge factor in whether or not we can overcome our negative feelings and experiences.  Friends who are really interested in each other, their successes and failures, their needs and desires, their joys and pains, can help share one another's burdens.  Having someone you can open up to and share the things in your life without fear of offending or being judged, can help ground you or help you soar to higher places.  In true friendship, there is a bit of give, a bit of take, a bit of time, a bit of forgiveness, and a whole lot of just listening with interest.  True friends want to see each other succeed in all areas of their lives. 

Through my experiences of fighting my battle, I've realized that my relationships with others had a huge affect on my self-worth.  Little things like a smile from a coworker, a hug from my son, or a kiss from my husband, made all the difference to how my day, and sometimes my week, went.  An email or a text or a comment on my FB from just about anyone helped me remember that I wasn't totally alone.  I've come to cherish those little reminders from others that I have some value to them.  This in turn helped me to change my thinking about my value to myself. 

Through this whole battle of mine, I have felt so alone and I'm sure most others fighting their battles in this war, feel the same way- completely alone.  Sometimes, we push the people who would help us away.  A true friend wouldn't give up, though.  A true friend would stay by that person and check to make sure they aren't getting lost in the battle. 

One of the most important things anyone can do for a person fighting this horrible battle of depression is to be their friend, like my friend, a genuine friend.  Let your friend know how much you care for them, but also remember the little things.  A smile, a wave, a laugh, an ear for a minute, a note, a quick text.  These are the things that will give your friend a boost.  An extra weapon to use in the fight.

Summer Blues

I started classes today, again.  I've been taking classes for a few years now.  One or two classes at a time.  That's all I can do because of family, work, finances, etc.  So, it will take me a long time to get where I want to be, but the point is, I'm getting there.  Its easy to get discouraged, but when I start to feel like I won't make it through and I can't make it, I remember that one summer a couple of years ago.  If I can make it through that, I can make it through any semester.  Nothing can be as bad as that summer.

I was near the beginning of my career as a student and had a long way to go to even get to an Associates degree.  I was trying to juggle work, family life, and school all at the same time and it wasn't coming easy.  I decided that for my summer classes, I would take a few that I could do online.  That way, I could decide what time of day I would do my classes depending on what was going on in the rest of my life.  It sounded very appealing and I signed up for 2 classes.  Not too bad, I thought.

Well, classes started near the end of May and went until the beginning of August.  I decided, because of my work schedule, I wouldn't start my classes until June.  I had time.  I also had an eye opening trip with my Jr. High students and realized that my relationship with some of my coworkers wasn't what I had thought it was.  I was upset and saddened at the same time.  I felt like a fool thinking one thing and realizing that what I thought wasn't true. 

Then, in early June, my daughter became really ill and we had to take her to an emergency room.  The doctors suspected an eating disorder, but she was insistent that it had to be something else.  After a week of doctors appointments and tests, she was diagnosed with a bad Gall Bladder and we were told that if she didn't have it removed right away, it would burst.  I was relieved it wasn't an eating disorder, but worried that she was going to have surgery and it needed to be done immediately.  I knew what was involved and how much care she was going to need after the surgery since I had the same surgery a few years previous.  Once again, I postponed my classes so I could take care of my daughter.   I didn't even give my classes a thought during that time. 

When I finally did get around to working on my classes, the time period to get them done was nearly half over.  Big mistake!  I worked up a schedule for myself to get my classes done on time, but it required that I spend most of my day in my room, the only quiet place in the house, Monday through Friday for the rest of the time period.  I kept my window open so I could see what I was missing outside and ignored my family, hoping they would still be alive when the summer was over. 

I worked really hard that summer, but it nearly killed me.  I felt like I was dying trapped inside my room day after day with almost no contact with anyone.  Only my family talked to me.  No friends came or called to see how I was doing.  No Girls Night Out was planned to help relieve my stress.  No camping, no hiking, no family vacations.  Not even classes that I could go interact with anyone.  I did manage to get up early most mornings to ride my bike- probably the only thing that saved me.  Sometimes one of my children would go with me.  I would spend up to 3 hours, riding up to 26 miles each morning.  I liked to go fast.  Maybe I could leave my problems behind, but they always caught.  Despite this, it was harder and harder each day to go back to my room and do my classes.  My husband was having his own problems and couldn't give me the support or companionship I craved.  By the time August came around, I was a basket case.  I usually started out my day with crying and praying I could just get it all done.  I was lonely and didn't want to keep going.  I was also obsessed with doing well enough in my classes that I could justify this awful summer.  I needed to have something to show for all the hours spend alone in my room.  I studied hard, but the last few tests I took in each class weren't up to what I hoped and my spirits dipped even deeper. 

I needed to start up at work again and discovered that my job description changed, and I was for the first time, responsible for things I was never trained to do and I didn't feel like I had any help or support from my boss or coworkers to get it all done.  Other little things were taking place at work that made me feel more isolated from those whom I called my friends.  People at work were not only my coworkers, they were my only source of social contact.  I felt like the ties of my social network were being cut by the very people I was trying to tie myself to.  Adding all that to my already overstressed summer was like putting my finger on the trigger of a loaded gun.

Finally, the time came to take my finals and be done with my classes.  Again, I cried when I didn't have to study for them anymore.  I didn't stop or pause, though.  I was already right in step with my work schedule and trying to pretend I knew what I was doing.  And trying to pretend that all that was happening didn't hurt.  As the burden of my classes lifted, the other burden of teaching classes and planning trips by myself settled in its place.  I was so relieved to have my classes done, that it was several weeks before I looked back to see what my grades ended up being.

It was at this most trying time in my life that I decided I needed to do something to get out of this awful funk I was in.  In August, I was driving on the freeway going to pick up my kids from camp when I almost got into a car accident.  Just a slight slip up from someone up ahead of me in a congested construction zone caused several cars to almost have a deadly pileup.  My brakes were unusually good that day and I avoided what would have been a not so good outcome for myself.  I was a bit shaken up, but it also snapped something in me when I realized I could have easily allowed the accident to happen.  In the midst of this horrible haze I was in, I had chosen life instead of death.  Earthly trial instead of heavenly peace.  I realized I had to do something to change things or my children might just be remembering me as someone who gave up instead of someone worth looking up to.  I began to think about what I should do to help myself.  It was several more months before I was actually able to do anything.  

In the meantime, one day in September, I received an email from UVU congratulating me on my "high GPA" for my summer classes.  The previous semester I had received a similar email congratulating me on my 4.0 so I was confident that I didn't get As in my classes.  It took me another week or so before I actually looked.  I was expecting an A- in one class and hopefully at least a B+ in the other.  One evening, I looked it up.  I was shocked!  First I looked at one class- A!  Then, as I was cringing, I looked at the second- again an A!  Silly, I know, but I began to sob.  I had done it.  All that I had endured that summer wasn't for nothing.  It was the most emotionally draining summer I have ever experienced, but in the end, I prevailed!  I have earned A's in all the classes I ever took at UVU, but none were harder to obtain than those two. 

That night, I wasn't sure how it had happened, but I was so grateful that I hadn't given up.  I didn't realize until a long time later, that I wasn't as alone that summer as I had thought I was.

Today I am grateful for the opportunity to continue learning.