I started classes today, again. I've been taking classes for a few years now. One or two classes at a time. That's all I can do because of family, work, finances, etc. So, it will take me a long time to get where I want to be, but the point is, I'm getting there. Its easy to get discouraged, but when I start to feel like I won't make it through and I can't make it, I remember that one summer a couple of years ago. If I can make it through that, I can make it through any semester. Nothing can be as bad as that summer.
I was near the beginning of my career as a student and had a long way to go to even get to an Associates degree. I was trying to juggle work, family life, and school all at the same time and it wasn't coming easy. I decided that for my summer classes, I would take a few that I could do online. That way, I could decide what time of day I would do my classes depending on what was going on in the rest of my life. It sounded very appealing and I signed up for 2 classes. Not too bad, I thought.
Well, classes started near the end of May and went until the beginning of August. I decided, because of my work schedule, I wouldn't start my classes until June. I had time. I also had an eye opening trip with my Jr. High students and realized that my relationship with some of my coworkers wasn't what I had thought it was. I was upset and saddened at the same time. I felt like a fool thinking one thing and realizing that what I thought wasn't true.
Then, in early June, my daughter became really ill and we had to take her to an emergency room. The doctors suspected an eating disorder, but she was insistent that it had to be something else. After a week of doctors appointments and tests, she was diagnosed with a bad Gall Bladder and we were told that if she didn't have it removed right away, it would burst. I was relieved it wasn't an eating disorder, but worried that she was going to have surgery and it needed to be done immediately. I knew what was involved and how much care she was going to need after the surgery since I had the same surgery a few years previous. Once again, I postponed my classes so I could take care of my daughter. I didn't even give my classes a thought during that time.
When I finally did get around to working on my classes, the time period to get them done was nearly half over. Big mistake! I worked up a schedule for myself to get my classes done on time, but it required that I spend most of my day in my room, the only quiet place in the house, Monday through Friday for the rest of the time period. I kept my window open so I could see what I was missing outside and ignored my family, hoping they would still be alive when the summer was over.
I worked really hard that summer, but it nearly killed me. I felt like I was dying trapped inside my room day after day with almost no contact with anyone. Only my family talked to me. No friends came or called to see how I was doing. No Girls Night Out was planned to help relieve my stress. No camping, no hiking, no family vacations. Not even classes that I could go interact with anyone. I did manage to get up early most mornings to ride my bike- probably the only thing that saved me. Sometimes one of my children would go with me. I would spend up to 3 hours, riding up to 26 miles each morning. I liked to go fast. Maybe I could leave my problems behind, but they always caught. Despite this, it was harder and harder each day to go back to my room and do my classes. My husband was having his own problems and couldn't give me the support or companionship I craved. By the time August came around, I was a basket case. I usually started out my day with crying and praying I could just get it all done. I was lonely and didn't want to keep going. I was also obsessed with doing well enough in my classes that I could justify this awful summer. I needed to have something to show for all the hours spend alone in my room. I studied hard, but the last few tests I took in each class weren't up to what I hoped and my spirits dipped even deeper.
I needed to start up at work again and discovered that my job description changed, and I was for the first time, responsible for things I was never trained to do and I didn't feel like I had any help or support from my boss or coworkers to get it all done. Other little things were taking place at work that made me feel more isolated from those whom I called my friends. People at work were not only my coworkers, they were my only source of social contact. I felt like the ties of my social network were being cut by the very people I was trying to tie myself to. Adding all that to my already overstressed summer was like putting my finger on the trigger of a loaded gun.
Finally, the time came to take my finals and be done with my classes. Again, I cried when I didn't have to study for them anymore. I didn't stop or pause, though. I was already right in step with my work schedule and trying to pretend I knew what I was doing. And trying to pretend that all that was happening didn't hurt. As the burden of my classes lifted, the other burden of teaching classes and planning trips by myself settled in its place. I was so relieved to have my classes done, that it was several weeks before I looked back to see what my grades ended up being.
It was at this most trying time in my life that I decided I needed to do something to get out of this awful funk I was in. In August, I was driving on the freeway going to pick up my kids from camp when I almost got into a car accident. Just a slight slip up from someone up ahead of me in a congested construction zone caused several cars to almost have a deadly pileup. My brakes were unusually good that day and I avoided what would have been a not so good outcome for myself. I was a bit shaken up, but it also snapped something in me when I realized I could have easily allowed the accident to happen. In the midst of this horrible haze I was in, I had chosen life instead of death. Earthly trial instead of heavenly peace. I realized I had to do something to change things or my children might just be remembering me as someone who gave up instead of someone worth looking up to. I began to think about what I should do to help myself. It was several more months before I was actually able to do anything.
In the meantime, one day in September, I received an email from UVU congratulating me on my "high GPA" for my summer classes. The previous semester I had received a similar email congratulating me on my 4.0 so I was confident that I didn't get As in my classes. It took me another week or so before I actually looked. I was expecting an A- in one class and hopefully at least a B+ in the other. One evening, I looked it up. I was shocked! First I looked at one class- A! Then, as I was cringing, I looked at the second- again an A! Silly, I know, but I began to sob. I had done it. All that I had endured that summer wasn't for nothing. It was the most emotionally draining summer I have ever experienced, but in the end, I prevailed! I have earned A's in all the classes I ever took at UVU, but none were harder to obtain than those two.
That night, I wasn't sure how it had happened, but I was so grateful that I hadn't given up. I didn't realize until a long time later, that I wasn't as alone that summer as I had thought I was.
Today I am grateful for the opportunity to continue learning.
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