So how did I get to this point in my life anyways? I'm not really sure, just little things that piled up faster than I could handle.
I have everything I could possibly want- a wonderful husband who supports me in what I do, 4 really good kids who love me and try to do whats right, a home that isn't too big nor too little for our needs in a great neighborhood with people who care about each other, a job teaching the limited knowledge I have with awesome students, enough food, clothing, and other necessities to make my life more comfortable than most other people in the world. Yet, I was sad, feeling hopeless, feeling like I was just a tiny, little stain in the fabric of eternity.
I felt that the things I did held no importance. I really didn't know much; I only finished 1 year of college and I was only teaching as a ParaEducator (fancy word for Teacher's Assistant) and was using the already written, approved lessons from the state. My children were getting older and didn't rely on me as much as they used to. Then I started to think that they would have been better off with a different mother. I didn't teach them much except that if they started something like music lessons, or sports teams, or even cleaning their rooms, it was okay to quit, sugary cereal was the best breakfast, and tv is a great escape from your own boring life.
Then my husband who had been my best friend for almost 20 years was facing his own crisis of sorts and I was powerless to help him. I tried to impart words of wisdom to him, but this didn't help and I was told I didn't understand. Hmm...for more on his experiences view his blog at officeofone.blogspot.com
I hated house work and would escape to the workplace just to not have to look at how messy my house was. However, things there weren't the best either. It seemed that everything I said or did to anyone but my students was the wrong thing and I was being avoided more and more.
My neighbor who had become my best friend second only to my husband had moved away and I became afraid to make other friends in my neighborhood. I didn't feel that anyone other than my faithful neighbor would understand me the way she did. I did try to connect with a few people, but friendships are never the same from person to person and I didn't feel comfortable with anyone.
The clencher was when I started to take a look at my religion and realized that my testimony of the things I had learned from infancy was faltering. Did I really believe all that my parents had taught me and what I was in turn teaching my children? I knew I had once believed strongly everything my religion professed, but now, I wasn't so sure. There was nothing earth shattering that I discovered that made me question anything. I guess it was just that with everything else I was disgruntled with, my self-esteem was taking more hits than I could handle and my religion that teaches that "the worth of souls is great in the sight of God" was beginning to lose its hold on me.
I didn't find joy in the things that used to bring me joy. My kids were older and had lost the fascination of little things in life. I was growing lazy in my efforts at physical fitness and would rather stay at home instead of exerting energy. I didn't really care what my house looked like since it would just get messy again anyway. My husband was busy all the time and dates were rare. When we did finally get away for a few hours, we would just drive around in the car looking for that something different that we never did find or we would end up shopping for things we needed. My efforts to kindle friendships at work or in the neighborhood fizzled and died. I started to feel all alone.
Looking back on it now, I'm sure I am not the only one to have felt this way. In fact, I know I'm not. Thousands of other women find themselves in the same or similar situations. They feel lost like I did. They don't know or understand why they feel like that. There really isn't a good reason because they have been blessed with so much. Yet, they are sad and they can't snap out of it. Like me at the time, they feel all alone and like no one understands. I knew other people went through depression, but everyone experiences it differently. Their battle is their own and no one else's. We all might be fighting the same war, but the battles are different.
This is already a long post, and I don't want to end it on a low note, but the worst summer of my life happened around this time. This summer almost brought me down completely, but I conquered it eventually. I wasn't finished with my battle after that summer, but things did change a little and it all had to do with my attitude.
Check back for more!
Today, I am grateful for my husband who put an enclosure around the garden. Now we won't get cats and dogs in it anymore. :)
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