Wow, time goes by so fast when you are occupied with schoolwork, housework, gardening, parenting, and preparing for guests! My goal is to post at least once a week this summer. Let's see how well I do.
I was trying to decide what I should write about today. I've had so many ideas cross my mind all week, but none of them seemed to be the right thing for today. I finally settled on another thing that many people with depression do to alienate themselves intentionally or not.
In ancient times, and not so ancient times, one of the first lines of defense for cities and communities under attack was to build a wall surrounding the city. They made the walls tall and thick to prevent any enemy from entering. Sometimes more defenses went on top of the walls or pits were dug surrounding the walls and were often filled with water. If built properly and maintained these walls did their job and no one could come into the city with the intent to harm or destroy.
The same is true for someone in a battle with depression. They get hurt form something said or done and they start to build a wall around themselves. With each perceived hurt, even if it was an inaccurate perception, the wall gets higher and stronger. For some people, the wall stays strong and up for a long time and it is near impossible to break it down. For others, the wall is more like a curtain that can be easily drawn back if only someone will take the time to do it. Just as the wall is built by careless actions or words by others, it is also broken down by caring and love from others.
Unfortunately, sometimes the curtains that are drawn around someone in self-defense, over time, can end up becoming walls. This is what happened to me. I had been taught all my life to forgive others when they do things that hurt me and I did. Over and over again. However, I drew my curtain around myself a little more each time I felt rejected or each time someone would say something that hurt. I also drew my curtain tighter around myself when I felt inferior in any way, which I did often (another problem of depression- not feeling worthy or as smart or as good as other people; you are constantly comparing the worst in yourself to the best in others). After several years of this, my self-worth was so battered that I needed to replace my curtain with a more solid wall. And I did.
For several months, I withdrew from those people whom I felt didn't really care about me and it nearly destroyed me because these people were the same ones I had called my friends. I trusted these people and they were letting me down. I didn't realized, though, that at the same time I perceived them pulling away, they were seeing me withdrawing.
This is where good friends could really make a difference in the lives of people fighting the battle. They can see when something isn't right with their friend. Observant friends can tell when someone they love is not following his/her patterns of behavior and is pulling away from things s/he used to enjoy like participating in sports, hanging out with the "guys", or attending "girls' night", exercising, or even taking care of themselves. Like I said in a previous post, friends can really make a difference for someone fighting depression and can do or say something that can prevent another brick being put on the wall. The worst thing a friend can do is ignore that anything is wrong and go about their own activities thinking that the friend in need is going to "snap out of it".
At the time I was experiencing this, I felt that my "friends" were not only ignoring my plight, but were also relieved that I wasn't dragging them down as well. They stopped doing things with me and stopped inviting me to their activities. I even felt that they were taking stabs at me behind my back and to my face. Maybe they thought I wasn't interested in what they were doing. Maybe they thought I was snubbing them. But the truth was that my self-worth was so destroyed in my battle that I couldn't face these people. I felt so unworthy to be around them. This affected my relationships with my children and my husband as well. It wasn't long before several of my family was also fighting my battle. You've heard the expression "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"? Well, it was happening in my home.
One day, I tried to look at myself from the outside. Here I had a seemingly perfect life, a husband and children who love me, a job that I loved, traveling to places that many people I knew didn't go, a home in a great neighborhood, and good health, yet I was unhappy and unsure of myself. I felt like I was beginning to self-destruct. I wanted to disappear and not come back. I took a good look at my family and felt they would be better off without me. My "friends" obviously were. It would be so easy to get into my car and just drive away, or worse....
Then, I thought about my children. If I disappeared, how would they remember me? They wouldn't remember the fun times we had when they were little. I realized they would remember the hurt and pain I caused them by leaving them. They would remember in bitterness that their mom abandoned them. I thought about my husband and his struggles. What would I do to him if I left him with an even greater burden of caring for the kids by himself? Would he ever forgive me? I didn't want him to have to make that choice because I was afraid he would choose to hate me instead. I decided that I might have let other people down with my words or actions, but I wasn't going to let my family down. I might not be able to repair whatever damage my existence did to other people around me, but I didn't want to have to try and repair what damage I would have done in leaving my family.
My family became my anchor just like they were meant to be. That's when I decided that I had to change and break down the walls or at least allow my family access to the front gate. I had to change my thinking. I had to do something to finish this battle or at least get the upper hand. I started that day.
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